...and nothing to look back on with hope

Randoms- I love seeing that some people have gotten fatter and uglier over time, it gives me some sort of humanistic satisfaction to know that despite having shit for self esteem and self worth that I am by far the Mary dammit.

I'm smoking wayy too much these days, do I have plans to quit? Nooooooope.

I'm currently wearing a hospital bracelet with my full name on it and for the first time ever I am inclined to agree with the triage nurse, my middle name is beautiful- (Caitlin).

I have a band aid with stars and rocket ships on my ass from the dose of drugs I was given before being released from the emergency room, and yes, my ass is very sore.

Listening to The Hole in Me- thanks Blackfield.

I should be studying, but I'm very angry right now. I do not like to be angry, therefore I am writing on here, half assed studying and doing laundry to soothe my nerves.

I'm still half stoned from the drugs they gave me in the er so my mind is all over the place- more than usual.

Somehow, someway, someone has gotten in- getting past those barriers (I like the barrier method, what can I say?) and I'm not quite sure what to make of it yet.

I have issues with monogamy- I have made plans to further explore and define this soon enough.

I fell ass over teakettle in love with this sapphire sparkly the otherday, this is a surefire sign that I am healing and moving along with life.

I just spilled candlewax accidently on my new fucking comforter, pillow and my shirt- fucking hell. This is why we can't have nice things.

I'm going to end this on the note of Porcupine Tree- Waiting Phase One- why you ask? Because hopefully there will be more to come and it will be a rant...oh joy

Fuck hope, I'll just run off the dreams of children

In life we're supposed to have those defining little trivial moments that make us who we are. I've never really experienced such a moment, I'm at that milestone age in life where I'm told I'm to be thinking, "Wow, I don't know shit and now everything is clear." Yeah, I had that moment at 14 and at even younger points in my life when I knew for certain nothing was normal in my life. Dynamics were totally and utterly fucked and the only thing that seemed to make sense was the television. I've been told my entire life that I'm not good enough, I'm not wanted, that someone or everyone hates me and nothing I ever do is up to the par in which I should be attainting. I've heard in the past few years non stop talk about how I should be doing something more, how I'm under achieving- even when I felt my life was a on a great track that made me happy I was doing it for all the wrong reasons or I wasn't doing it quite the way I should be.

I've come to the conclusion that no one will ever be satisfied with anything I do in life, why? Because it's not your fucking life. Plain and simple. Cut and dry.

So....to everyone who has something to say about my life, what I'm doing or not doing, if you're disappointed, angry- too bad.

I'm going to be me, you be you and to each their own. I'm so tired of all of you in my head making me doubt myself- my mind is crowded enough as is.

A Stranger

I remember exactly where I was the first time I listened to this and allowed it to mean something, to have a profound affect on me. I didn't know it would be entirely true, I never thought it through. Enjoy;
http://youtu.be/Mb2W_xkJ2G0 
Cast the calming apple 
Up and over satellites
To draw out the the timid wild one
To convince you it's alright 
And I listen for the whisper 
Of your sweet insanity while I formulate 
Denials of your affect on me 


You're a stranger 
So what do I care 
You vanished today 
Not the first time I hear 
Or the last 


What am I to do with all this silence.
Shy away, shy away phantom 
Run away terrified child 
Won't you move away you fucking tornado
I'm better off without you 
Tearing my world down.

My soul smells of angels and addicts

It's been awhile....wait, now I just sound like a bad staind song, bleh. Moving along...this is going to be a long one kids, and it may not make a damn lick of sense- I've been writing this, stopping and coming back and picking up for well, awhile now. You've been warned, grab your helmet and hop on your lolcat and let's get to it then-


Physics states that when something enters our range of sight that it is 1 billionth of a second in the past, so what we're seeing has already actually occurred and has moved on before our mind, our body and the space around us has time to comprehend it. A nanosecond passes and we're still playing catch up-

Colonel Sandurz: You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.


Taking that into consideration we're always in some way in the past trying to catch up to the then that is now. Add emotional turmoil, dwelling, brooding and all the other fun stuff that comes with thinking of your past and you'll never hope to catch up. If existing in time means existing in the past, why not think of the present and what it holds for you? Looking to your pasts past to predict your present leaves you stuck in a circle that's never going to be productive, lingering in a moment means that something else is technically passing you by. 


Sleepwalking through life or taking a backseat to your own personal journey is a waste of time, not only yours but those you interact with and choose to share yourself with. What's the point of involving yourself with someone if for all intents and purposes you plan only to stick with the past and squander an opportunity? Walking the borderline of an experience, wearing a mental condom to protect yourself from actually connecting is pointless. If you choose to engage someone that means you're choosing to become a part of their life, their experience and discounting them all the time is nothing more than a meaningless zeal. 


We're ever evolving, always changing, transcending and that's part of the journey. Life changes us, people change us, love changes us. Love being the biggest regret of some and a source of loss for others, for some it rots them from the inside out and burns away all traces of the person they were. They never recover, they never allow anyone in again and all they hang onto is that past person- they've essentially made all of their past fears exist with them in the now. 


I'm never looking for love when I find it and when I'm in that mindset I'm presenting to you who I am and how I feel then, because that's where I'm at in life. I work hard everyday not to repeat mistakes I've made in the past, but I am only human therefore I'm bound to relapse. I'm in love with love and for a long time I fought that feeling. I denied myself the ability to move on and existed in a past because I was afraid of what moving on meant, not only to myself but to others. I held onto a remnant of my broken ship, a mere board until it rotted away and I was afloat in a sea of bullshit, it was only then that I realized that no one was going to fish me out and so I started swimming back to shore. It's been a long journey, but when I touched land I tongue fucked the hell out of that sandy shore and promised never to leave it again until I had built something better to venture back into the water with. Now this doesn't mean I didn't forget my sense and hop back in, but I haven't been caught in a storm and then attacked by sharks so I have learned. 


I chose to exist in the moment, live in the present and instead of resenting my past and how it turned out, I embrace it- sometimes it blows beyond the telling of it, but life goes on- I go on. I learn the lessons that are presented for me to take. When Mario kicks ass and finds out that he gets a shiny star, an extra life, but that the princess is in another castle, he doesn't say "Fuck that hoe, I'm setting up here, I'm done, I hope Bowser rips her a new shitlocker and enjoys the Mushroom kingdom.", (it's been awhile since I've played NES, deal with it) he keeps going and eventually gets that Peach. There's no defeat (of course if there is you just restart) and he doesn't leave Peach with her poor ass hanging in the wind. I refuse to punish someone who happens into my present for my past mistakes, I don't drown them and if I'm drowning I make damn sure I don't take them down with me. The point? No one should suffer for another's crimes against my heart, my emotionality and my trust. I am a different person, more cautious but I have never murdered my existence and erected a distorted perception of myself to harm others for my own protection and benefit. I have been fragmented, I've found the inability to connect and once I pieced myself back together I either make amends or work to keep those shards from straying again. 


We give up easily these days and then hold a grudge against our own abandonment, we blame others for our shortcomings, we own nothing and then we bury our heads in the sand to avoid having to face it all. When do the excuses end and we really begin? When do we own up to our shit? When are we actually accountable and responsible? I think way too much, I ask too many questions and I like answers, I deserve answers- why? So that I can see either the error of my ways or learn from what I can't change. Call me clinical, cold, logical or even the opposite- overly emotional, but I'm in love with answers and knowing. If I'm lost- I ask for directions, why can we do that in everyday life, but we can't do that in other areas of our life? 


When did people become so complacent with defeat? 

Pat me on my helmet because obviously I'm a fucking retard and send me on my way

There comes a time when handling everything with care and dignity is just null and void. Walking with ones head held high, treating situations with delicacy and grace- it doesn't mean anything if you're the only one doing it. It's about choice, it's about finality and making the decision to move forward when the past is nipping at your heels and demanding to be held on to, begging to not be left in the dust as you approach the future while coming to terms with the current present.

Being caught in a standstill while the world moves around you is never fun, never knowing what to do or where to go- no one ever said it was easy and there's no definite map to the roads you may tread. If you proceed with caution, if you tremble in the wake of something new- it could very well pass you by. The last thing you can do in life is play the martyr, but you can't keep acting, reacting and enacting while everything around you falls in a state of entropy. Becoming comfortable in chaos after awhile is stultifying, and can suffocate- living in a waking dream is pointless if there is no end, no ultimate goal.

Contemplate the edge of the universe, consider the enveloping blackness- stars blotted out, blinked out by black holes- the end- if you concentrate hard enough you can end up with a nose bleed and one hell of a headache. This is how I find myself feeling when considering the choices of my future, to me it feels like a lightning storm- there are bright flashes, glimpses of moments in time and then all is calm, quiet. It's all about choice, and no one can choose for me- I have to decide for myself what is right and how to make my approach.

I carry the ghosts of the past, I walk with the remnants of paths I'd walked down- either I stopped, was stopped, was forced to turn back or ran blindly ahead but found myself retracing my previous path- following the gumdrops I'd left myself on the way in. I've always known my escape route, I memorize my surroundings and know how to pull back, now how to retreat. In the past few years I've been lost, birds ate the breadcrumbs I left and for a long awhile I was content with that knowledge because I assumed I knew where I was being led and followed happily into what I thought would be the sunset on the hardships of the past.

Now I stand on the cusp of my life- 5 years from 30, counting down the days to that supposedly daunting age. At 25 I still am in a state of awe at the thought of being an adult, though I have surpassed the milestones and defining moments that have already welcomed me into the world of being a 'Grown up' years before. I don't know to be honest if that actually means anything in the grand scheme of things, I sometimes feel like David Copperfields opening lines- 'I was born, I grew up', but what happened in between? What makes me an adult anyway? Age? Bills? Death and taxes?

If it's maturity I reached that long ago, I've been taking care of myself since I was a child, I moved out of the nest as soon as I could and have experienced the hunger pains that come with not enough money, not enough food and bills due. I still feel like a child though, I'm first to admit when I am ignorant of a subject and am still finding my footing in the world. I've always known what I wanted to do with my life, and as I've grown it's only evolved into a goal, something attainable yet so far away.

The path I'm on- the life I lead, I have no one to answer to. I'm not tied down by a partner or children, a house, a mortgage and I've been told I'm lucky to not have those responsibilities and still have my youth. I've learned to put things down, let things go and know when something is for the most part dead, and that I should stop poking it with proverbial stick with odd fascination. I feel I've spent far too long dwelling not only in my own head, but on what has placed me in the position I am in now and for the most part I no longer pine for unrequited requests.

I've learned to demand more of myself, I know when I've reached my limits but while knowledge is power it doesn't mean I have to use it and sometimes I don't- but I also know that when the burden is too heavy I can ask for help. Pride and being stubborn only hinders my growth and so I can ask for help now, but it doesn't mean I ask for it. I'm hungry to learn, I love to educate myself daily- this is a slight change from when I was a child because I was headstrong and easily bored that along with being bullied for having a brain and no real beauty to speak of held me back. Now, I have personality to make up for what I lack,  I can listen, I'm compassionate and I'm a fighter. I've survived self inflicted harms whether physical or emotional, I've licked my wounds and allowed them to heal when others take the reins from me and do it themselves. I work everyday to be positive and hopeful, I struggle to not be disappointed and fret for too long when I don't always practice the new found patience I taught myself to have. Does any of this make me an adult?

I know my faults, I'm almost a scholar in the inward and outwards failures I've schooled myself in. I smoke though I know it's bad for me, I doubt myself, my intellect when challenged, I drink pop and coffee to excess despite knowing that I know it's worse for me than the average person because I had kidney failure. I over sleep, I procrastinate, I love overpriced shoes and while I try to live without regret- I lament at times on how my biting tongue and past bitterness cost me more than I'll ever let on. I take the blame for things that are not my fault because throughout my life I have been conditioned to do so and I feel too much sometimes for things that are out of my control. I'm flawed, I kill plants and envy those who can be more carefree than I and still hold it all together. I covet what I find beautiful, I still hold a fanciful concept of love and regularly find myself disappointed, nursing my ideals along and onto the next prospect. I believe in unconditional love finally, after many discussions when I was younger that no such thing exists. I don't know when it happened, but somehow along the way in my journey bitterness lost the hold on my heart and I fell in love with love. Doesn't this all make me a child still?

I have a fascination with the edge of life- I've been told I'm infatuated with the non normal, darker aspects of life, what's ugly to you is quite possibly the most wonderful thing I have ever laid eyes on. Jokes are made that I could never do 'normal' but I always ask, what exactly is normal? At parties, in functional social situations when I'm asked what I want to do for a living I respond honestly and speak as well as I can to convey what I want to do. Before I know it I'm pegged as Clarice or a serial killer in training- I've learned to roll with these punches, but it bothers me that the focus is off. I've learned to deal, learned to shrug and make jokes- self depreciation is how I've gotten this far in life, I guess it can carry me a bit further.

In and with all of this I'm still stumped at the fork in the road, I've had intentions of leaving the state since I was 21 and yet here I still am. Leaving has become my mantra of sorts, I toe the line for myself everywhere else and can make the tough choices but when it comes down to stay or go, I'm lost. I know friends who refuse to leave, they love where they are and what surrounds them- and I've wondered why I've always been perpetually at unrest about being here. For a long time I wondered if life would change without me and that scared me into staying, I've been talked into staying by those who say they won't ask me to stay and some view my need to break free of the state as running. At one time it was about running, now it's become a matter of unease.

Like a curious astronaut I want to see the world from a different angle, I'm aiming for the stars and refuse to settle for less. It's just a matter of drive and shedding fear, I worry that if I wait too long I'll become resentful of having never done anything I set out to do when I became an 'adult'. The choice is mine and the time has come to stop worrying about dignity and grace, or responsibility and logic and just leap.

For what? I'm not quite sure.

Painslut

Dating and I...well, I've noticed we just don't get along. Dating is like the lifetime network and I'm Valerie Bertinelli, first dating likes me and we have our honeymoon period, people warn that we don't know enough about one another and we should pace ourselves, but I'm blinded by love. Then dating gets angry with me and at first I stand up to it, then it hits me, makes me bring it beer, whores me out, kills my daughter, rapes me and then marries but it turns out he's a match for my rape baby who needs a kidney (gasp!), and then I eventually end up with cancer while wrapped up in datings who-done-it murder plot. Eventually I am triumphant, but alone and as usual the cycle will start again.

 Now for those who are confused, please educate yourself on Lifetime movies and allow my to clarify that I'm spaking of dating as a generalization of the activity and not the people I have dated.

I know jack and shit about dating- that's it. Jack and shit aren't much help when trying to have a conversation that isn't intellectually intimidating, or too vulgar, usually I'm alone there. I've always been in long term relationships where the courting and actual dating went fast, so I know nothing of taking it slow and going out and enjoying the company of another. I've noticed that I tend to attract and am attracted to a certain type, it's a mutual attraction- so all seems well and good, but it's not. If you're emotionally retarded, stunted or have issues, I'll probably fall in love with you.

I said it months ago and I'll say it again I'm a masochist, pain and I go hand in hand- I'm out about being in to S&M, that's no mystery. As for my dating and love life- as much as I'm a fan of pain in the bedroom, I don't want it when we're out on a date or contemplating our love for one another, so in that sense I'm a recovering love masochist. I always prided myself on being above chasing the bad boy and wanting to change him, but in all reality, I just chase a different kind of bad boy. I, just like those girls I used to feel I couldn't relate to think that if I love the guy enough, accept him- he would see the good things about himself and in turn love himself and me.

The other thing I've found is I'm independent, I can take care of myself- but sometimes I end up dating those who think they can change me, and as much as I've loved those bad eggs- I never tried to change them, merely asked them to see the good in themselves and embrace it. Changing me is a pattern I see in those I date, they like me upfront and fall in love fast and want to share everything with me. I've been given house keys, car keys, credit cards, rings, been asked to help them decorate their homes so that it's how I would like it be, asked me to move in- the works right off the bat and been told that what's theirs is now mine. This has a tendency to scare me, but I try to embrace it and roll with it- I work to make it work because after awhile they point out that maybe the flaws don't lay with them, but within me. As much as they want to give me everything, they want me to bend and be a different person, a person that I'm not.

I've been engaged, I've lived with someone- but the 'flaws' those find with me is that I like my life the way it is- in the sense that I'm just as content spending a night cuddling on the couch as I am out in a bar dancing my face off. I need balance, but I also need a life outside of that person, I need to still be me- I may have given you my heart, but I haven't handed over my freedom. I think, act and make decisions for myself, and I expect the same from you. Be your own person, and if our relationship continues and becomes serious- we can interact with our decision making. Call me strange, but if we've been dating for a month or so, I don't expect you to crawl up my tush with a book and a smoke.

I've come to the conclusion that I have Painslut tatted on my forehead, even when I'm not looking for it- it finds me.

"Learn from Yesterday, Live for Today, Hope for Tamara"

I've had and abandoned many blogs over the years. I started out on xanga and followed the trends by heading over to myspace- at one point I began writing a book at the prodding of others and had a wordpress page. I like to generally live without regret and one of the things I've learned is not to dwell on the past- I'm an avid facebook user, this of course is a product of living in another state and having that as my only form of communication with friends back home, and it stuck. Heading to myspace a month ago I read old blog posts, which ended with a heavy funk- I hadn't ever really realized how unhappy I truly was years back until then. Wordpress was long left behind as it too was a source of past reminders and I feel compelled not to poke at the decaying remains of a time and a sadness I no longer feel as that can just be cumbersome, not to mention a little smelly.

So, to move forward and at the urging of people who have an interest to read what goes on in my head but only get pieces here and there on facebook status posts I've started this blog. I hope I stick with it, as I hope it can be used to some creative flow. Since I tend to hop around in my thought process, it's going to be unorganized, I hope I still make some bit of sense- at least enough to get a point across. Here goes;

I read an article in the summer that dissected whether happiness should be given or earned, I believe the part that stuck out was a line from the Declaration of Independence- 'Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.' the argument was in favor of the fact that even in that document it's all in the wording- The Pursuit of Happiness- not that it is given, granted or passed out. I agreed with this point, and have often asked people whether or not they think happiness should be earned or given, the answers are always skewered and lead to heavier discussions, mostly that persons struggles with it and mainly most are in agreement that it should be given because it's hard to attain.

I disagree, I've spent long moments of my life unhappy- almost perpetually, or at least that's what I felt at the moment. Happiness is something I treat with disdain and apathy from time to time, I found myself being afraid of it at times when I was younger. I've always figured the other shoe would drop and if I allowed myself to be happy that I would find I was a fool because it's not meant to last. I was also of the mindset that I was entitled to it because of the hardships I have endured, but the point of growing up is to learn and grow. It should not be given, because like everything else that comes in steady waves- it can be taken for granted, we'll become lazy and expectant with it and therefore unhappy with being happy. To me happiness like everything else is a struggle, it's a personal onus and should not be undertaken lightly, if you want to be happy you have to work to get there, and once you've achieved it, maintain it, work at it.

To be happy you need to nourish yourself, feed your mind, expand and love it. It is not up to anyone else to make you happy, I feel this is where some go wrong with relationships- they're unhappy and feel they can only be complete if they're in a relationship because that other person is the key to their happiness. If they are the key to making you happy and filling you, making you whole- what do you have to offer them in turn? I'm assuming that this person you are seeking is happy and whole on their own, so they know how to maintain it, what can you give them? It's a flawed logic.

I work everyday to be happy, someone once told me to 'be the water, not the rock' and I think of this often in order to keep myself in line. I have moments where I wonder when my time will come, when I will beam and shine and just be content- the point is I'm looking at others for my own completion when it relies on me to make that happen. I struggle, I'm flawed but I try to make my own luck, and I hold no one responsible for what is my burden alone to carry. I also believe in a healthy dose of being able to lament when it's meant to vent, not to blame or throw a pity party for a table of one. Those people I look at from time to time and envy for being happy? I'm seeing what I want to see, I'm projecting the image of what I feel, what I want to see of happiness- not always what they show me. These same people I realized finally, are capable of being just as unhappy as I can be at times and probably look at me and wonder how I can be happy.

Seeking the happy- having hope for myself it's work. I have my days where I want to shoot myself in the face, the difference between now and when I was 21? I no longer seek it in others, I look to myself for the answers and I own my issues in why I'm not ok. I know how to make me happy, and I never take it for granted, it's up to me to maintain and hold myself up. I have a lot to learn, and I'd probably not be the most awesome partner because of how content I am to spend time alone. I've never had a rock before, someone to lean on who is mine and mine only in terms of a relationship. Sure, I've been the rock for the person I'm with, but no one I've been with has ever been able to hold me, support me- at best I think we've leaned on one another, but I've carried most of the weight.

I've seen it in the partners I've chosen, and been told by them that I can show them how and what it is to be happy, but like I've stated before and stick to- I cannot be the happy for them, they need to know how to make themselves happy. I've been here for the past 20 years or so, but if you know me you could say I'm wiser than most my own age, I grew up fast and I've done a lot of living. I don't discount anyone who has not walked where I've walked, in fact I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I don't say that what I've been through is more in the summary of experience and emotion to someone who has been through less. I can't make you feel anything, just as you can't make me feel- we can react with our own emotions to what has been presented to us by outside influences, but we're individual- we react and act differently to the same set of circumstances. I can say that those I love deserve to be happy, but I cannot make them happy- only they can do that for themselves. As for me? I have hope.

What is happiness to you? Do you think you've earned it, or do you feel you need to work for it?