"Learn from Yesterday, Live for Today, Hope for Tamara"

I've had and abandoned many blogs over the years. I started out on xanga and followed the trends by heading over to myspace- at one point I began writing a book at the prodding of others and had a wordpress page. I like to generally live without regret and one of the things I've learned is not to dwell on the past- I'm an avid facebook user, this of course is a product of living in another state and having that as my only form of communication with friends back home, and it stuck. Heading to myspace a month ago I read old blog posts, which ended with a heavy funk- I hadn't ever really realized how unhappy I truly was years back until then. Wordpress was long left behind as it too was a source of past reminders and I feel compelled not to poke at the decaying remains of a time and a sadness I no longer feel as that can just be cumbersome, not to mention a little smelly.

So, to move forward and at the urging of people who have an interest to read what goes on in my head but only get pieces here and there on facebook status posts I've started this blog. I hope I stick with it, as I hope it can be used to some creative flow. Since I tend to hop around in my thought process, it's going to be unorganized, I hope I still make some bit of sense- at least enough to get a point across. Here goes;

I read an article in the summer that dissected whether happiness should be given or earned, I believe the part that stuck out was a line from the Declaration of Independence- 'Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.' the argument was in favor of the fact that even in that document it's all in the wording- The Pursuit of Happiness- not that it is given, granted or passed out. I agreed with this point, and have often asked people whether or not they think happiness should be earned or given, the answers are always skewered and lead to heavier discussions, mostly that persons struggles with it and mainly most are in agreement that it should be given because it's hard to attain.

I disagree, I've spent long moments of my life unhappy- almost perpetually, or at least that's what I felt at the moment. Happiness is something I treat with disdain and apathy from time to time, I found myself being afraid of it at times when I was younger. I've always figured the other shoe would drop and if I allowed myself to be happy that I would find I was a fool because it's not meant to last. I was also of the mindset that I was entitled to it because of the hardships I have endured, but the point of growing up is to learn and grow. It should not be given, because like everything else that comes in steady waves- it can be taken for granted, we'll become lazy and expectant with it and therefore unhappy with being happy. To me happiness like everything else is a struggle, it's a personal onus and should not be undertaken lightly, if you want to be happy you have to work to get there, and once you've achieved it, maintain it, work at it.

To be happy you need to nourish yourself, feed your mind, expand and love it. It is not up to anyone else to make you happy, I feel this is where some go wrong with relationships- they're unhappy and feel they can only be complete if they're in a relationship because that other person is the key to their happiness. If they are the key to making you happy and filling you, making you whole- what do you have to offer them in turn? I'm assuming that this person you are seeking is happy and whole on their own, so they know how to maintain it, what can you give them? It's a flawed logic.

I work everyday to be happy, someone once told me to 'be the water, not the rock' and I think of this often in order to keep myself in line. I have moments where I wonder when my time will come, when I will beam and shine and just be content- the point is I'm looking at others for my own completion when it relies on me to make that happen. I struggle, I'm flawed but I try to make my own luck, and I hold no one responsible for what is my burden alone to carry. I also believe in a healthy dose of being able to lament when it's meant to vent, not to blame or throw a pity party for a table of one. Those people I look at from time to time and envy for being happy? I'm seeing what I want to see, I'm projecting the image of what I feel, what I want to see of happiness- not always what they show me. These same people I realized finally, are capable of being just as unhappy as I can be at times and probably look at me and wonder how I can be happy.

Seeking the happy- having hope for myself it's work. I have my days where I want to shoot myself in the face, the difference between now and when I was 21? I no longer seek it in others, I look to myself for the answers and I own my issues in why I'm not ok. I know how to make me happy, and I never take it for granted, it's up to me to maintain and hold myself up. I have a lot to learn, and I'd probably not be the most awesome partner because of how content I am to spend time alone. I've never had a rock before, someone to lean on who is mine and mine only in terms of a relationship. Sure, I've been the rock for the person I'm with, but no one I've been with has ever been able to hold me, support me- at best I think we've leaned on one another, but I've carried most of the weight.

I've seen it in the partners I've chosen, and been told by them that I can show them how and what it is to be happy, but like I've stated before and stick to- I cannot be the happy for them, they need to know how to make themselves happy. I've been here for the past 20 years or so, but if you know me you could say I'm wiser than most my own age, I grew up fast and I've done a lot of living. I don't discount anyone who has not walked where I've walked, in fact I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I don't say that what I've been through is more in the summary of experience and emotion to someone who has been through less. I can't make you feel anything, just as you can't make me feel- we can react with our own emotions to what has been presented to us by outside influences, but we're individual- we react and act differently to the same set of circumstances. I can say that those I love deserve to be happy, but I cannot make them happy- only they can do that for themselves. As for me? I have hope.

What is happiness to you? Do you think you've earned it, or do you feel you need to work for it?