Painslut

Dating and I...well, I've noticed we just don't get along. Dating is like the lifetime network and I'm Valerie Bertinelli, first dating likes me and we have our honeymoon period, people warn that we don't know enough about one another and we should pace ourselves, but I'm blinded by love. Then dating gets angry with me and at first I stand up to it, then it hits me, makes me bring it beer, whores me out, kills my daughter, rapes me and then marries but it turns out he's a match for my rape baby who needs a kidney (gasp!), and then I eventually end up with cancer while wrapped up in datings who-done-it murder plot. Eventually I am triumphant, but alone and as usual the cycle will start again.

 Now for those who are confused, please educate yourself on Lifetime movies and allow my to clarify that I'm spaking of dating as a generalization of the activity and not the people I have dated.

I know jack and shit about dating- that's it. Jack and shit aren't much help when trying to have a conversation that isn't intellectually intimidating, or too vulgar, usually I'm alone there. I've always been in long term relationships where the courting and actual dating went fast, so I know nothing of taking it slow and going out and enjoying the company of another. I've noticed that I tend to attract and am attracted to a certain type, it's a mutual attraction- so all seems well and good, but it's not. If you're emotionally retarded, stunted or have issues, I'll probably fall in love with you.

I said it months ago and I'll say it again I'm a masochist, pain and I go hand in hand- I'm out about being in to S&M, that's no mystery. As for my dating and love life- as much as I'm a fan of pain in the bedroom, I don't want it when we're out on a date or contemplating our love for one another, so in that sense I'm a recovering love masochist. I always prided myself on being above chasing the bad boy and wanting to change him, but in all reality, I just chase a different kind of bad boy. I, just like those girls I used to feel I couldn't relate to think that if I love the guy enough, accept him- he would see the good things about himself and in turn love himself and me.

The other thing I've found is I'm independent, I can take care of myself- but sometimes I end up dating those who think they can change me, and as much as I've loved those bad eggs- I never tried to change them, merely asked them to see the good in themselves and embrace it. Changing me is a pattern I see in those I date, they like me upfront and fall in love fast and want to share everything with me. I've been given house keys, car keys, credit cards, rings, been asked to help them decorate their homes so that it's how I would like it be, asked me to move in- the works right off the bat and been told that what's theirs is now mine. This has a tendency to scare me, but I try to embrace it and roll with it- I work to make it work because after awhile they point out that maybe the flaws don't lay with them, but within me. As much as they want to give me everything, they want me to bend and be a different person, a person that I'm not.

I've been engaged, I've lived with someone- but the 'flaws' those find with me is that I like my life the way it is- in the sense that I'm just as content spending a night cuddling on the couch as I am out in a bar dancing my face off. I need balance, but I also need a life outside of that person, I need to still be me- I may have given you my heart, but I haven't handed over my freedom. I think, act and make decisions for myself, and I expect the same from you. Be your own person, and if our relationship continues and becomes serious- we can interact with our decision making. Call me strange, but if we've been dating for a month or so, I don't expect you to crawl up my tush with a book and a smoke.

I've come to the conclusion that I have Painslut tatted on my forehead, even when I'm not looking for it- it finds me.