My soul smells of angels and addicts

It's been awhile....wait, now I just sound like a bad staind song, bleh. Moving along...this is going to be a long one kids, and it may not make a damn lick of sense- I've been writing this, stopping and coming back and picking up for well, awhile now. You've been warned, grab your helmet and hop on your lolcat and let's get to it then-


Physics states that when something enters our range of sight that it is 1 billionth of a second in the past, so what we're seeing has already actually occurred and has moved on before our mind, our body and the space around us has time to comprehend it. A nanosecond passes and we're still playing catch up-

Colonel Sandurz: You're looking at now, sir. Everything that happens now is happening now.
Dark Helmet: What happened to then?
Colonel Sandurz: We passed then.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now. We're at now now.
Dark Helmet: Go back to then.
Colonel Sandurz: When?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: Now?
Dark Helmet: Now!
Colonel Sandurz: I can't.
Dark Helmet: Why?
Colonel Sandurz: We missed it.
Dark Helmet: When?
Colonel Sandurz: Just now.
Dark Helmet: When will then be now?
Colonel Sandurz: Soon.


Taking that into consideration we're always in some way in the past trying to catch up to the then that is now. Add emotional turmoil, dwelling, brooding and all the other fun stuff that comes with thinking of your past and you'll never hope to catch up. If existing in time means existing in the past, why not think of the present and what it holds for you? Looking to your pasts past to predict your present leaves you stuck in a circle that's never going to be productive, lingering in a moment means that something else is technically passing you by. 


Sleepwalking through life or taking a backseat to your own personal journey is a waste of time, not only yours but those you interact with and choose to share yourself with. What's the point of involving yourself with someone if for all intents and purposes you plan only to stick with the past and squander an opportunity? Walking the borderline of an experience, wearing a mental condom to protect yourself from actually connecting is pointless. If you choose to engage someone that means you're choosing to become a part of their life, their experience and discounting them all the time is nothing more than a meaningless zeal. 


We're ever evolving, always changing, transcending and that's part of the journey. Life changes us, people change us, love changes us. Love being the biggest regret of some and a source of loss for others, for some it rots them from the inside out and burns away all traces of the person they were. They never recover, they never allow anyone in again and all they hang onto is that past person- they've essentially made all of their past fears exist with them in the now. 


I'm never looking for love when I find it and when I'm in that mindset I'm presenting to you who I am and how I feel then, because that's where I'm at in life. I work hard everyday not to repeat mistakes I've made in the past, but I am only human therefore I'm bound to relapse. I'm in love with love and for a long time I fought that feeling. I denied myself the ability to move on and existed in a past because I was afraid of what moving on meant, not only to myself but to others. I held onto a remnant of my broken ship, a mere board until it rotted away and I was afloat in a sea of bullshit, it was only then that I realized that no one was going to fish me out and so I started swimming back to shore. It's been a long journey, but when I touched land I tongue fucked the hell out of that sandy shore and promised never to leave it again until I had built something better to venture back into the water with. Now this doesn't mean I didn't forget my sense and hop back in, but I haven't been caught in a storm and then attacked by sharks so I have learned. 


I chose to exist in the moment, live in the present and instead of resenting my past and how it turned out, I embrace it- sometimes it blows beyond the telling of it, but life goes on- I go on. I learn the lessons that are presented for me to take. When Mario kicks ass and finds out that he gets a shiny star, an extra life, but that the princess is in another castle, he doesn't say "Fuck that hoe, I'm setting up here, I'm done, I hope Bowser rips her a new shitlocker and enjoys the Mushroom kingdom.", (it's been awhile since I've played NES, deal with it) he keeps going and eventually gets that Peach. There's no defeat (of course if there is you just restart) and he doesn't leave Peach with her poor ass hanging in the wind. I refuse to punish someone who happens into my present for my past mistakes, I don't drown them and if I'm drowning I make damn sure I don't take them down with me. The point? No one should suffer for another's crimes against my heart, my emotionality and my trust. I am a different person, more cautious but I have never murdered my existence and erected a distorted perception of myself to harm others for my own protection and benefit. I have been fragmented, I've found the inability to connect and once I pieced myself back together I either make amends or work to keep those shards from straying again. 


We give up easily these days and then hold a grudge against our own abandonment, we blame others for our shortcomings, we own nothing and then we bury our heads in the sand to avoid having to face it all. When do the excuses end and we really begin? When do we own up to our shit? When are we actually accountable and responsible? I think way too much, I ask too many questions and I like answers, I deserve answers- why? So that I can see either the error of my ways or learn from what I can't change. Call me clinical, cold, logical or even the opposite- overly emotional, but I'm in love with answers and knowing. If I'm lost- I ask for directions, why can we do that in everyday life, but we can't do that in other areas of our life? 


When did people become so complacent with defeat?